It’s been a minute

It’s better to self-destruct by oneself

   My assumption is in the “self” part of that whole thing

Right?

You test the waters
   You listen to the lectures
Are they fucking stupid?!

I knew it before.
I knew it during.
It shall soon be after.

     They jested
   Though I found it less than amusing
     Name-calling by you
   To me

That’s what makes us different.

And we shall always be different.

     As if I didn’t know
(but so much easier when they fail)

HLJ
11.2.17

"Life is a gift. Never forget to enjoy and bask in every moment you are in." - unknown

A loss was recently brought to my attention, and though I did not know this person very well on a personal level, I did interact at work and would say "hi" in passing out in the public.  Her presence was bright.  She was always smiling and it was nice to see her.  She is now gone. 

It seems as if her life was taken while she was doing something she enjoyed and outdoors. What I cannot clear from my mind is that so far, the news states she was alone.  And, I cannot put aside my selfish worry and tears.  Was she in pain?  How long was she alone?  Why was she alone?  Did she want to be alone? 

I continue in my head hoping it was something "natural" and, dare I say, "peaceful"?  Peaceful seems such an awful word right now, because if my heart is in this much distress, I cannot imagine how those closest to her are feeling and how they are coping.

My faith - though not as deep as some - is trying to reassure me she's ok.  She was ok.  She's no longer in pain, should she have been in any.  I keep praying she wasn't.  I keep praying that God will comfort our fears. 

Loss is a part of life.  It's the hardest part to get over.  And, I don't think anyone really gets over it.  I don't think you're suppose to. 

I have dealt with loss.  But, I will NEVER say to someone "I know what you're going through."  I know they are going through a loss, but each of us handle it in our own way.  We are affected in our own way.  Yes, I have lost loved ones.  I, however, have not lost your loved one/s.  I will say I pray for you and I will contain you and yours in my thoughts and that I know loss is tough and that I am near if anything is needed.  What can I give to someone who lost their mother? Their child? Their sister? Their spouse?  Their friend?  Nothing I do or say will bring them back, but I will do my best to pray for comfort and for guidance and understanding. 

Life is meant to be lived, but one day it stops.  No one could ever be ready for that day.

HLM.
9/8/15

My Process

The process is not without hurt. 

It is not without feeling.

What process? MY process.

It is not without unanswered questions.

Or the regret of those things I did not say. 

The moment… the very moment… I realized I felt too much

Every word I meant to say became a cascade of tears.

Wiping them away did not remove the thoughts from my mind

And though I am stronger than I had been

You – yes you – found my weak spot. 

Intentional or not – you fucking found it.  You pointed it out without words or intended action.

I hate you for that.

I thank you for that.

Trying to hide gets tiring, but aids in the process of becoming numb.

Once numb, I can be happy.

Or so I thought.

I felt something.  I felt it and I was angry at first. 

Then the realization slowly intervened that it IS ok to feel. 

Whether or not I feel the right thing for the wrong person

Or the wrong thing for the right person is not the overall concern. 

I felt.  It is ok to feel.

I am human.  Not without faults. Not without complications. 

But, that’s who I am. 

I cannot be anything but. 

I am broken.

I am bruised. 

I don’t want to feel, 

but I don’t mind that I did for you.

 

HLM - 5/31/15

As always ... a work in progress.  Not just my words.

Petty ... and laughable

The petty things that petty people do are oftentimes more amusing than they should be.  As if I don't hold the means to resolve a situation on my own or realize that if I look in the appropriate direction,  I will actually see what has or has not been done.  No need to get any panties in a bunch but it is laughable to see someone who does.  I know... that is petty of me. 

Proverbs 18:1-3

"In estrangement one seeks pretexts: with all persistence he picks a quarrel. The fool takes no delight in understanding, but rather in displaying what he thinks. With wickedness comes contempt, and with disgrace comes scorn."

You either do or you don't

There are many things never brought to the table and many things that are left unsaid.  At times you begin to believe it’s the result of someone else… you begin to blame other people for the things you will not say or do.  Eventually the darkness that evolved is going to begin winding its way into the souls of those around you who have listened and encouraged a resolve. 

The unsettling result is that it now has become a problem to them – the entire situation was not a part of their life until the advice and encouragement to step up and handle your situation was ignored.  They begin to feel their time was wasted and they choose to push your darkness away.  They begin searching for an outlet.  They start a fire you have to tend to.  They never walk away, they simply push you to find resolve and if you forget to be you and continue to blame others that fire will burn unattended and gradually leave you without.  You can choose to put out that fire and take care of the situation, but no longer will others carry your burden. 

Sometimes the only way to motivate someone to stand up, to speak out, or even to walk away, is to overstep an invisible line; an unspoken line.  One you never wanted them to cross but never told them they couldn’t.  Your noxious situation can no longer be pressed upon others without consequence. 

HLM

It Hurts

It hurts
This loneliness
I don't care who you are
It hurts
It sucks
It leaves my thoughts to wander
Not always good
But not that bad... No need for concern
Yet, a constant reminder
A persistent shadow
Of doubt
Wrongdoing
Faulty beliefs
Wishful thinking
Not meant to be
Never was
Never will
Alone
Always.

HLM (c)
2.26.15