There is No Point in Fighting This

There is No Point in Fighting This

I stand yet again confronting these feelings
I fight them daily
I see no end in sight
I fight them from consuming me
from making all my decisions
as if the melodic echo of your kisses weren't enough
your vision lingers
your eyes invade my dreams
the longing
you are more than a raindrop in the river
you cause the waves that crash against my soul
you brought meaning to my heart
strange
unexplainable
inescapable

~HLM 3/22/2013

Follow your heart... or something like that.

Follow your heart

Look at the signs and see what they really mean.

All things I paid attention to before led me down a path and a heavy portion of learning experiences were shoved in my face.   A lot of life lessons bunched up and insisting my attention be given. 

Granted, some tough things happened and I did things but I am not ashamed.  I thought I was, but all of it has molded me into the person I am today.  Though I still need a lot of work, I am figuring out where I am meant to be and who I am meant to be.  Also, the person I am meant to stand next to.  Whether this life or the next. 

~hlm 3/20/13

getting it out of my head.

I hear from you. Now I hear that song. My mind is racing... do I listen to my heart? Of course... it will lead me to you.

~HLM

Minor scolding of self...

There are things I want to learn.  There are things I have been sitting around for years waiting to have someone else teach me.  I have been too afraid of doing it alone and/or not doing it right.  Hmmm... you can only figure it out IF YOU TRY.  I am so overwhelmed with what others are going to think that I talk myself out of doing it... anything.  

To become self-sufficient I guess I need to learn these things.  It's not a bucket-list, but a common sense knowledge I should already know.  Get on it! Do this thing!  or... these things - haha!

It reminds me of learning to play the piano.  I took lessons for a while then decided I didn't like taking lessons so I quit but I did not quit playing piano.  I bought sheet music and learned each song.  I am far from the greatest, but I kept up with it and still love playing.  I need a full keyboard to be completely happy, but for now my keyboard is suffice enough.

I know bits and pieces of other things, be it my bow, my guns, fishing, running, writing - you name it!  In order to gain the knowledge I seek, I can no longer rely on waiting for someone else to show me.  I can't get frustrated that someone else didn't show me if I haven't taken it upon myself to learn.  I have to stop sitting and waiting!!!  I am beginning to see this advice carries over into more than just hobbies... SO TAKE IT!!! Take the advice! Take the advice others give! Take the advice you know!!!

Where did that come from?

Recently, a question was asked that I had no problem answering (NO) but I have found I am struggling with why the question was asked.  It might just be more insight into why I must continue to focus on what I want. The particular question held no consideration for my life or for my future.  It was an open question but I am at a loss at what else I can do or say.  It's a small peek inside the mind of someone becoming more and more a stranger in my life.  

I become frustrated at the realization that I have been the only one paying attention.  In fact, I find I can't put into words my total feelings on the subject.  Ultimately, it's a same-shit, different-day kind of thing... really.  The lack of consideration to what this would do to those directly involved is beyond comprehension.  Granted (and here goes my self-doubt ... just kick me, please!) it wasn't a solid plan - it was merely a suggestion.  Holly! REALITY CHECK!  Something that big - that far away - is not something that just pops into ones head.  It's an out, but not for me.

Fear not, those of you who know what this is about, I have no plans to concede.  I will keep a partially open mind and listen and offer suggestion (because, unfortunately, that's what I do) but I will not make the journey.    This may just be the sign I have convinced myself I am looking for... I know what my decision is and if I have to make it alone, I will. 

I got this. 

It's not personal ?!

Ok, so there are a few things I can't help but take personal and here is one:

Ungrateful teenager blaming me for TAKING CARE OF HER!!!

Today's Rant - 2 sides to everything

I know not to play sides against each other.  Things get down to the ugly of any situation and someone always says, “You don’t know both sides” or,  “How do you know?” or, “Have you considered their feelings?” Let’s get one thing clear:  If you are not living in my house, walking in my shoes, or currently at war with multiple emotions inside my heart and my head, please refrain from judgment calls.

I think those who know me would say I do a pretty good job of not making things one-sided.  Granted, my voice and frustrations are the only being heard, but I don’t come out and completely trash-talk the other side.  I do step back and look at things from the other side – not always immediately, but once my frustration / anger / whatever the hell it is subsides I try to walk through what I said or what I did. What triggered things? Did I over-react?  Ask those closest to me, I will curl up in a pathetic little ball and second guess myself.  In reality, if I said or did something it was because I wanted to. But, somewhere inside me is a feeble little voice that says “maybe you’re wrong, Holly.”  I haven’t quite learned how to stop giving people 2nd chances – 3^rd chances – 4^th chances – ok, you get my point!! or how to realize I AM STRONG enough and don’t NEED THE BULLSHIT!!!!  That I WAS right and I continue to be right because I didn’t approach with arrogance.  I proceeded with emotion; raw, fucking emotion. 

I know there are worse things in life.  But, if I don’t express myself, I will explode and believe-you-me… that would be messy.  Who wants to clean that up?!

 

~HLM

REMIND MYSELF!!!

I need to remind myself of this! 

 

Whatever it takes to keep on track and say motivated!

 

WHATEVER IT TAKES!!!!

A little tough love for myself

The modes I take to tackle my emotions typically fall into writing, driving, crying and music – naturally loud.  Sometimes I’ll play music (keyboard), but I find it soothing when left alone to do so and these days that’s impossible.  The solitude of a long drive with the radio blaring can mingle with my senses and help me to cry it out, yell it out or realize the moment has me void of all emotion.  My defense to anyone telling me I am running away is that I really am saving you from the attack I’ll put on you verbally.  Once I hit a certain point I ooze insults and self-pity and I’d rather run off and have a love affair with music in my car than say or do something I’ll ultimately regret.  If this is unacceptable, too bad, it’s my thing – not yours.  And, yes, I will focus on ME.   I really enjoy the idea of working out – the physical outsourcing is a great stress reliever, but to assist in a grand finale of a plan I cancelled my gym membership to use funds elsewhere.  Besides, there is a treadmill, a bike, hand weights, yoga mat, stability ball, etc at home. Again, though, being left alone to drain – sweat out – the emotions is practically impossible.  Dogs, cats, children, angry other half… it just doesn’t work.  Taking a step outside to focus on me is best for everyone involved.

Which leads me to a recent self-realization that I have been openly avoiding for some time… what’s “easiest” isn’t always best.  Avoiding the problem isn’t even an excuse for a solution.  I altered my own thinking to realize that “comfortable” simply meant there was too much mental tasking involved figuring out the solution.  I could vent to my support group (also known as my BFF’s and parents and sometimes a random stranger – ok not really… but sometimes an outside perspective is good as long as you don’t have to pay) and the advice they gave me felt right but I either mentally prepared for it and never followed through or simply dismissed and thought “they don’t know me!”  the latter is few and far, but when I look back (step 1 for myself) inside at all that I know, I have been avoiding the inevitable. 

I curse those who avoid problems and now see I, too, have a way of weaving around things.  I don’t ignore them, but I play a game of pretend and what-if’s and ultimately guilt myself into thinking there is more to it and I should let things be and that they’ll work themselves out.  Months – nearly a year – later I see no resolve because I didn’t learn and I didn’t listen to those who really gave me sound advice.  No one has told me what will happen; they told me I need to take steps to SEE what will happen.  There is no easy way out. There is no easy way in.  Real life: you live it.  You can either be trapped in a pit you refuse to find a way out of or you can make the changes to yourself and if needed, your situation and move forward (thank you Amanda Hillberry for that advice!!) Again, no one told me to abandon my situation; I was advised to look at things from a different perspective.  Now that I can slowly see this truly needs to be done, I can begin to plan and who knows, maybe things will turn around in the planning stages because the momentum leading me forward could inadvertently alter my thoughts and feelings.  My focus will be on something else and a realization I never bothered paying attention to before could present itself and I’ll simply see it in a different light.  It may or may not alter my plan, but it’s a possibility.  And, right now, I’ll take this!  I’ll take it on.  I know for damn sure I won't give up on what I want without a fight.  Right now, my head needs to be clear enough to see just what I really want.  I must find out what I really need.    

A recent distraction stepped aside and I know it was solely me who allowed it to become a distraction, and my focus can now shift.  I can fight myself and deal with ME and what needs to be done and what all of that meant; really, truly meant or may still mean.  I just know it was a focal point for me.  It was a way to long and hide – though, the situation holds much more than that.  (That situation is something I'll get into later.)  It will come to surface shortly, but right at this moment I am looking at and to myself and know I have a self-inflicted wound that needs time to heal.    

I am first delving back into the one thing I have done since I can remember … write.  I write it all down!  It doesn’t matter how much sense it makes at the time; it matters that I am not holding it in.  I can rummage through it and make sense and find it all out as I go!

I will slowly be going through the advice I’ve been given and see how many times I repeated myself.  My friends have been more than patient and even though I say the same things or ask for the same answer they tell me – with love and more recent TOUGH love – the same answers.  I need to actually hear those answers for once and go forth.  This entire “self-help” segment is to reiterate that I must go on with this plan.  It’s out there… I can’t hide it once you’ve seen it J and I guess the only way to let you know I am serious is to do this damn thing!  So.... 

 

Let’s do this!

 

~HLM 3/1/2013

 

There will be much more to come. I promise!