My Process

The process is not without hurt. 

It is not without feeling.

What process? MY process.

It is not without unanswered questions.

Or the regret of those things I did not say. 

The moment… the very moment… I realized I felt too much

Every word I meant to say became a cascade of tears.

Wiping them away did not remove the thoughts from my mind

And though I am stronger than I had been

You – yes you – found my weak spot. 

Intentional or not – you fucking found it.  You pointed it out without words or intended action.

I hate you for that.

I thank you for that.

Trying to hide gets tiring, but aids in the process of becoming numb.

Once numb, I can be happy.

Or so I thought.

I felt something.  I felt it and I was angry at first. 

Then the realization slowly intervened that it IS ok to feel. 

Whether or not I feel the right thing for the wrong person

Or the wrong thing for the right person is not the overall concern. 

I felt.  It is ok to feel.

I am human.  Not without faults. Not without complications. 

But, that’s who I am. 

I cannot be anything but. 

I am broken.

I am bruised. 

I don’t want to feel, 

but I don’t mind that I did for you.

 

HLM - 5/31/15

As always ... a work in progress.  Not just my words.

Petty ... and laughable

The petty things that petty people do are oftentimes more amusing than they should be.  As if I don't hold the means to resolve a situation on my own or realize that if I look in the appropriate direction,  I will actually see what has or has not been done.  No need to get any panties in a bunch but it is laughable to see someone who does.  I know... that is petty of me.