My Process

The process is not without hurt. 

It is not without feeling.

What process? MY process.

It is not without unanswered questions.

Or the regret of those things I did not say. 

The moment… the very moment… I realized I felt too much

Every word I meant to say became a cascade of tears.

Wiping them away did not remove the thoughts from my mind

And though I am stronger than I had been

You – yes you – found my weak spot. 

Intentional or not – you fucking found it.  You pointed it out without words or intended action.

I hate you for that.

I thank you for that.

Trying to hide gets tiring, but aids in the process of becoming numb.

Once numb, I can be happy.

Or so I thought.

I felt something.  I felt it and I was angry at first. 

Then the realization slowly intervened that it IS ok to feel. 

Whether or not I feel the right thing for the wrong person

Or the wrong thing for the right person is not the overall concern. 

I felt.  It is ok to feel.

I am human.  Not without faults. Not without complications. 

But, that’s who I am. 

I cannot be anything but. 

I am broken.

I am bruised. 

I don’t want to feel, 

but I don’t mind that I did for you.

 

HLM - 5/31/15

As always ... a work in progress.  Not just my words.

Petty ... and laughable

The petty things that petty people do are oftentimes more amusing than they should be.  As if I don't hold the means to resolve a situation on my own or realize that if I look in the appropriate direction,  I will actually see what has or has not been done.  No need to get any panties in a bunch but it is laughable to see someone who does.  I know... that is petty of me. 

Proverbs 18:1-3

"In estrangement one seeks pretexts: with all persistence he picks a quarrel. The fool takes no delight in understanding, but rather in displaying what he thinks. With wickedness comes contempt, and with disgrace comes scorn."

You either do or you don't

There are many things never brought to the table and many things that are left unsaid.  At times you begin to believe it’s the result of someone else… you begin to blame other people for the things you will not say or do.  Eventually the darkness that evolved is going to begin winding its way into the souls of those around you who have listened and encouraged a resolve. 

The unsettling result is that it now has become a problem to them – the entire situation was not a part of their life until the advice and encouragement to step up and handle your situation was ignored.  They begin to feel their time was wasted and they choose to push your darkness away.  They begin searching for an outlet.  They start a fire you have to tend to.  They never walk away, they simply push you to find resolve and if you forget to be you and continue to blame others that fire will burn unattended and gradually leave you without.  You can choose to put out that fire and take care of the situation, but no longer will others carry your burden. 

Sometimes the only way to motivate someone to stand up, to speak out, or even to walk away, is to overstep an invisible line; an unspoken line.  One you never wanted them to cross but never told them they couldn’t.  Your noxious situation can no longer be pressed upon others without consequence. 

HLM

It Hurts

It hurts
This loneliness
I don't care who you are
It hurts
It sucks
It leaves my thoughts to wander
Not always good
But not that bad... No need for concern
Yet, a constant reminder
A persistent shadow
Of doubt
Wrongdoing
Faulty beliefs
Wishful thinking
Not meant to be
Never was
Never will
Alone
Always.

HLM (c)
2.26.15

Take Flight

You cannot hold yourself accountable for someone else's mistakes. 
Learn to forgive yourself.
Move past it.
Enjoy what is to come and hold faith in all that is to come. 
Live life.
Breathe life. 
Never think you are not worthy of love. 
Don't suffer.
Let things go. 
Let it all go. 
Shout!
Scream! 
Cry! 
Take the pain.
Feel again and be happy about it!
Fall in love.
Give all you have.

11/23/14
HLM (c)








. 

Every Single Time

Every Single Time

A high consideration in the method of screaming ...
  
Multiple reasons why

Do not concern yourself with such

I shouldn't

But I can't stop

Aren't there meds for this?!