It’s been a minute

It’s better to self-destruct by oneself

   My assumption is in the “self” part of that whole thing

Right?

You test the waters
   You listen to the lectures
Are they fucking stupid?!

I knew it before.
I knew it during.
It shall soon be after.

     They jested
   Though I found it less than amusing
     Name-calling by you
   To me

That’s what makes us different.

And we shall always be different.

     As if I didn’t know
(but so much easier when they fail)

HLJ
11.2.17

"Life is a gift. Never forget to enjoy and bask in every moment you are in." - unknown

A loss was recently brought to my attention, and though I did not know this person very well on a personal level, I did interact at work and would say "hi" in passing out in the public.  Her presence was bright.  She was always smiling and it was nice to see her.  She is now gone. 

It seems as if her life was taken while she was doing something she enjoyed and outdoors. What I cannot clear from my mind is that so far, the news states she was alone.  And, I cannot put aside my selfish worry and tears.  Was she in pain?  How long was she alone?  Why was she alone?  Did she want to be alone? 

I continue in my head hoping it was something "natural" and, dare I say, "peaceful"?  Peaceful seems such an awful word right now, because if my heart is in this much distress, I cannot imagine how those closest to her are feeling and how they are coping.

My faith - though not as deep as some - is trying to reassure me she's ok.  She was ok.  She's no longer in pain, should she have been in any.  I keep praying she wasn't.  I keep praying that God will comfort our fears. 

Loss is a part of life.  It's the hardest part to get over.  And, I don't think anyone really gets over it.  I don't think you're suppose to. 

I have dealt with loss.  But, I will NEVER say to someone "I know what you're going through."  I know they are going through a loss, but each of us handle it in our own way.  We are affected in our own way.  Yes, I have lost loved ones.  I, however, have not lost your loved one/s.  I will say I pray for you and I will contain you and yours in my thoughts and that I know loss is tough and that I am near if anything is needed.  What can I give to someone who lost their mother? Their child? Their sister? Their spouse?  Their friend?  Nothing I do or say will bring them back, but I will do my best to pray for comfort and for guidance and understanding. 

Life is meant to be lived, but one day it stops.  No one could ever be ready for that day.

HLM.
9/8/15

My Process

The process is not without hurt. 

It is not without feeling.

What process? MY process.

It is not without unanswered questions.

Or the regret of those things I did not say. 

The moment… the very moment… I realized I felt too much

Every word I meant to say became a cascade of tears.

Wiping them away did not remove the thoughts from my mind

And though I am stronger than I had been

You – yes you – found my weak spot. 

Intentional or not – you fucking found it.  You pointed it out without words or intended action.

I hate you for that.

I thank you for that.

Trying to hide gets tiring, but aids in the process of becoming numb.

Once numb, I can be happy.

Or so I thought.

I felt something.  I felt it and I was angry at first. 

Then the realization slowly intervened that it IS ok to feel. 

Whether or not I feel the right thing for the wrong person

Or the wrong thing for the right person is not the overall concern. 

I felt.  It is ok to feel.

I am human.  Not without faults. Not without complications. 

But, that’s who I am. 

I cannot be anything but. 

I am broken.

I am bruised. 

I don’t want to feel, 

but I don’t mind that I did for you.

 

HLM - 5/31/15

As always ... a work in progress.  Not just my words.

Petty ... and laughable

The petty things that petty people do are oftentimes more amusing than they should be.  As if I don't hold the means to resolve a situation on my own or realize that if I look in the appropriate direction,  I will actually see what has or has not been done.  No need to get any panties in a bunch but it is laughable to see someone who does.  I know... that is petty of me. 

Proverbs 18:1-3

"In estrangement one seeks pretexts: with all persistence he picks a quarrel. The fool takes no delight in understanding, but rather in displaying what he thinks. With wickedness comes contempt, and with disgrace comes scorn."

You either do or you don't

There are many things never brought to the table and many things that are left unsaid.  At times you begin to believe it’s the result of someone else… you begin to blame other people for the things you will not say or do.  Eventually the darkness that evolved is going to begin winding its way into the souls of those around you who have listened and encouraged a resolve. 

The unsettling result is that it now has become a problem to them – the entire situation was not a part of their life until the advice and encouragement to step up and handle your situation was ignored.  They begin to feel their time was wasted and they choose to push your darkness away.  They begin searching for an outlet.  They start a fire you have to tend to.  They never walk away, they simply push you to find resolve and if you forget to be you and continue to blame others that fire will burn unattended and gradually leave you without.  You can choose to put out that fire and take care of the situation, but no longer will others carry your burden. 

Sometimes the only way to motivate someone to stand up, to speak out, or even to walk away, is to overstep an invisible line; an unspoken line.  One you never wanted them to cross but never told them they couldn’t.  Your noxious situation can no longer be pressed upon others without consequence. 

HLM

It Hurts

It hurts
This loneliness
I don't care who you are
It hurts
It sucks
It leaves my thoughts to wander
Not always good
But not that bad... No need for concern
Yet, a constant reminder
A persistent shadow
Of doubt
Wrongdoing
Faulty beliefs
Wishful thinking
Not meant to be
Never was
Never will
Alone
Always.

HLM (c)
2.26.15

Take Flight

You cannot hold yourself accountable for someone else's mistakes. 
Learn to forgive yourself.
Move past it.
Enjoy what is to come and hold faith in all that is to come. 
Live life.
Breathe life. 
Never think you are not worthy of love. 
Don't suffer.
Let things go. 
Let it all go. 
Shout!
Scream! 
Cry! 
Take the pain.
Feel again and be happy about it!
Fall in love.
Give all you have.

11/23/14
HLM (c)








. 

Every Single Time

Every Single Time

A high consideration in the method of screaming ...
  
Multiple reasons why

Do not concern yourself with such

I shouldn't

But I can't stop

Aren't there meds for this?!

You can't change people

"If we could change people, we would be changing them to suit our purposes, which would steal their freedom to make their own choices." Joyce Meyer (The Confident Woman Devotional)

This makes me realize that no matter how much I want... wanted... him to change, it never would have been his choice to do so. That speaks volumes because if he never wanted to, there should have been no reason to wait.  If things or people are meant to change, they will in their own timing.  Sometimes that means it's too late.  Sometimes it means you had enough time to think through what you really wanted and you had time to change and to adjust and no longer desire what you didn't have.

HLM
11.10.14

It's that time again!!!

2014 November PAD Chapbook Challenge

It's that time again!  My goal is to actually keep up this time!


2014 November PAD Chapbook Challenge: Guidelines

Too Cold

She stands with a sad finality
as if she were dying
inside
broken

So gone
stumbling
as if the intoxication of loneliness
swirls around her

Drowning
falling
wishing for one day
of numb emotion

Her veins run cold
ice dripping from wounds
engulfing her body
inside and out

HLM
9.15.14

Brave the Weather

Like the fog that narrows your vision
as you drive ahead
knowing the road does not end
(is my heart)
you still wonder what's out there
what collision awaits
not knowing
yet knowing enough
no matter the direction you go
the fog drifts in front of you
it follows behind
turn around or don't look back
it doesn't matter
there are things unseen
brave the weather
slow your pace when the road curves
stop when you can no longer see
let the light guide you
safely and to where you belong.

~HLM
9.13.14

Human

Human
with or without faults
breathes the air, just as the rest

whether you choose to choke on it is up to you.

~HLM
8.18.14

Bowing out

I am constantly reminded of the impossibility to trust and respect individuals who use less than noble methods to present themselves to me. Each has his/her own choice on whether or not to become a part of my life just as much as they hold the choice and yes, even timing on when to exit it.  I care not, for I was here before you and will remain after. I, too, hold the right to decide whether you're worth being in my life. 

The pieces of this that become truly discouraging are when benefit is given to someone with whom there is already reputable expressions of straight and true.  Don't get me wrong, I am not saying he/she does not possess the moral abilities to function in the given society as an upright individual; I merely mean that what is presented to you is a total fabrication of intentions meant for me.  Things can become difficult, because without trying to complicate things, the innocent parties now have a front row seat to the aftermath of your attempt to sanctify your crisis.  There is no need for the rest of us to suffer from your madness. 

You have every right to figure out what to do next in your life.  You may have been handed the short end of the stick, but just once, try to remember what it felt like when you were on the losing end.  As you crawl back into a comfort zone - one you've made up for yourself - you don't need to infect others with your maliciousness.  

No matter the connection.  No matter the distance.  The ties of two are made with a mere introduction, be it a passing glance, a sleepless night or years of residence inside heart, mind and soul.  You cannot undo this introduction but if a day comes where it's time to cut ties, do it well.  Graciously bow out. 

HLM 

Baby Ari

I sit a couple thousand miles away from 1 of 2 of the greatest step-daughter's anyone could ask for, while she gives birth to her first child.  Life is not always what one expects it to be, but we take it and move forward.  I am amazed at the perseverance of this young woman - now an adult.  She graduated high school with honors! She remains firm in her love for her man and of their child!  She has taken on the role of becoming a mother and is blessed to be surrounded by friends and family who support and love her.  Not all of us can be right there next to her or in the next room awaiting Ari's big debut, but my spirit, love and prayer are there. I am certain there are others sending good vibes as well.  

I am full of a variety of emotions and sit on the edge of what seems a panic attack.  I can only imagine what those in the hospital with her are feeling, let alone what she is feeling.  I would give anything to be there for her in person on this day, and all days to follow as one of God's miracles graces our lives with his presence.  Though I am far in miles, I am close in heart and I pray she knows this.  I know she is in good hands and I am thankful!  

Words escape me ... I am so overcome with joy.  I anxiously await for the news of his arrival!  Keep on pushing, lady!! 

6/15/14
HLM

Isaiah 60:1

Arise! Shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you! 

- Isaiah 60:1

I read this tonight and felt my heart fill with a little more joy!  It is not time to sit back in fear!  It is time to get on out there and "do this thing!"  

Even if I cannot pinpoint what exact thing this is, doesn't mean I should stop moving forward.  I'll figure it out as long as I continue to put one foot in front of the other and stop holding back so much.

COME ON - YOU GOT THIS!  

HLM 

5.23.14

On the eve of words

Slow to start
beginning for sure
change of habits
change of plans
all intertwined with what's to come
with what has happened
learn from what was not
exist in what is meant to be.

HLM
5/18/14



 

To the Incapable Heart

How many more days am I destined to suffer your memory
  were we not connected somehow
do I wait
  do you wait
is it worth the wait
  will we even meet again
what the hell am I even waiting for
  I miss the conversations 
be it small talk
  I just miss you
contending with these thoughts is unfair and angers me so
  I cannot put a stop to it
I never asked for them
  I never told you to give them to me
so, why is it that you went away
  thinking only of yourself 
and whatever the hell you thought I did to you
  you knew all along
I didn't know how to handle any of it
  I don't know now
but the fucking feelings won't stop
  look at the time
how much of it has passed
  yet, here I sit
tears running down my face
  not knowing how being me
your friend perhaps
  could turn you away
you left me 
  you abandoned me
another day will not come 
 where I will feel what I felt in that moment
solely the moment when it all became recognizable
  never will a day arrive where my heart 
will beat
  as fast
as it did
  when your presence incited it in such a way 
I am brokenhearted over a heart I never had
  or was it one I had all along
you
  your essence
all that is and shall remain mysterious and hidden
  you could never pretend
I could never pretend 
  I don't want to pretend
I want you to know
  the rest is clandestine 
why does me missing you
  make you feel so afraid
unable to be  
  I did not heed warnings
from those we knew
 for I was not setting out on a venture
to attain what they
  what you
thought I wanted
  why is it so outlandish 
to want someone
  you
to be in my life
  a piece of my existence
is it so hard to be 
  or are you too much a coward 
what makes you so much better
  how do you justify turning your back
I did not want a figment
  I am not content with a mere collection of memories
emotions may become carried away
  but they don't disappear
they don't run away
  you left me
and I am mad at you
  I am mad that my heart is big enough to allow 
unintended souls
  I'm tired of making room for incapable hearts
of cowardly investors
  I will remain angry for the days to come
all the days to come
  the burden you thought I put on you 
was a cowardly attempt at justification
  don't think you know me
don't think you knew me back then
  don't think you understood what was happening
don't think of yourself as a better person for doing so. 

HLM
Pissed off on 5/9/14

Gibberish

There is no song that will remind you of me, is there?  One that will make you stop in your tracks and bring every memory to the surface ... burning like fire. Why am I the one cursed with suffering... with tears?  With fear? Disappointment.  Despair.

Why?

Let it go!
Let it go!
Let it go!

I'm trying.  O, Lord! I am trying!

HLM