On the eve of words

Slow to start
beginning for sure
change of habits
change of plans
all intertwined with what's to come
with what has happened
learn from what was not
exist in what is meant to be.

HLM
5/18/14



 

To the Incapable Heart

How many more days am I destined to suffer your memory
  were we not connected somehow
do I wait
  do you wait
is it worth the wait
  will we even meet again
what the hell am I even waiting for
  I miss the conversations 
be it small talk
  I just miss you
contending with these thoughts is unfair and angers me so
  I cannot put a stop to it
I never asked for them
  I never told you to give them to me
so, why is it that you went away
  thinking only of yourself 
and whatever the hell you thought I did to you
  you knew all along
I didn't know how to handle any of it
  I don't know now
but the fucking feelings won't stop
  look at the time
how much of it has passed
  yet, here I sit
tears running down my face
  not knowing how being me
your friend perhaps
  could turn you away
you left me 
  you abandoned me
another day will not come 
 where I will feel what I felt in that moment
solely the moment when it all became recognizable
  never will a day arrive where my heart 
will beat
  as fast
as it did
  when your presence incited it in such a way 
I am brokenhearted over a heart I never had
  or was it one I had all along
you
  your essence
all that is and shall remain mysterious and hidden
  you could never pretend
I could never pretend 
  I don't want to pretend
I want you to know
  the rest is clandestine 
why does me missing you
  make you feel so afraid
unable to be  
  I did not heed warnings
from those we knew
 for I was not setting out on a venture
to attain what they
  what you
thought I wanted
  why is it so outlandish 
to want someone
  you
to be in my life
  a piece of my existence
is it so hard to be 
  or are you too much a coward 
what makes you so much better
  how do you justify turning your back
I did not want a figment
  I am not content with a mere collection of memories
emotions may become carried away
  but they don't disappear
they don't run away
  you left me
and I am mad at you
  I am mad that my heart is big enough to allow 
unintended souls
  I'm tired of making room for incapable hearts
of cowardly investors
  I will remain angry for the days to come
all the days to come
  the burden you thought I put on you 
was a cowardly attempt at justification
  don't think you know me
don't think you knew me back then
  don't think you understood what was happening
don't think of yourself as a better person for doing so. 

HLM
Pissed off on 5/9/14

Gibberish

There is no song that will remind you of me, is there?  One that will make you stop in your tracks and bring every memory to the surface ... burning like fire. Why am I the one cursed with suffering... with tears?  With fear? Disappointment.  Despair.

Why?

Let it go!
Let it go!
Let it go!

I'm trying.  O, Lord! I am trying!

HLM

Fresh air and gun powder!

Ventured out today with my dad and shot a few rounds at the range!  It was great!  Getting more comfortable with my .357 and maybe one day I'll actually hit the target!!  Well, I hit the target for sure once, but not quite sure if I hit anything else other than dirt.  The 9mm I shot of dad's was amazing... and reminds me why I wanted one of the first place.  The action on that thing was great!

Today was my dad's birthday so it was nice to be able to spend time doing something I know he enjoys!  I haven't been out shooting with him for years... and I can't wait to do it again.  Just need to get the income flowing so I can help put something toward the ammo fund.  It also fired me up to get my bow out and sharpen my skills a bit more.  

I can't wait to get outdoors and do more!  Walking, shooting... photography!  You name it and I want to do it!  It's damn time! Maybe the fresh air - or that German Chocolate Cake for Dad's birthday - is getting to me! 

Emotionally, I am having a rough time... just frustrated and lonely I suppose.  Not having met many people here in town - well, not having ventured out to have a chance to meet anyone - is making it a little tough.  Maybe, it's better this way for now.  I am suppose to be regrounding myself and tossing too many people in the mix with the chance to interfere in my progress - if I have made any - would be counter-productive I suppose.  

Nothing too deep this evening.  

That is all. 

HLM

"He didn't keep his side of the bargain."

Who would've thought the movie Twister would offer so much insight into my life?!  He sure as hell didn't keep his side of the bargain... and it's beyond my control.  What I can control and will control is myself... my steps forward and my future.  I have a feeling my future will be without many-a-persons who decided to turn their backs on our friendship.  No matter how messed up, emotional and confusing - you just don't STOP. Say HI once in a while or have the common decency to tell me you're cutting the strings that attach us.  Oh well, everyone and their actions are out of my control.  I need to let go.  For some of you, I already have.

Maybe that's why it's a little easier to smile.

Breathing.

HLM

Working on a website

Check it out - let me know what you think?  It's a start...


http://holleephoto.wix.com/holleephotography



I know, it's been ages since I've been over this way.  Life has been busy... moving on, moving out and moving up!! More to come later.

HLM

Long quote for today

Found this online....

“Laugh, even when you feel too sick or too worn out or tired.
Smile, even when you're trying not to cry and the tears are blurring your vision.
Sing, even when people stare at you and tell you your voice is crappy.
Trust, even when your heart begs you not to.
Twirl, even when your mind makes no sense of what you see.
Frolick, even when you are made fun of. Kiss, even when others are watching. Sleep, even when you're afraid of what the dreams might bring.
Run, even when it feels like you can't run any more.
And, always, remember, even when the memories pinch your heart. Because the pain of all your experience is what makes you the person you are now. And without your experience---you are an empty page, a blank notebook, a missing lyric. What makes you brave is your willingness to live through your terrible life and hold your head up high the next day. So don't live life in fear. Because you are stronger now, after all the crap has happened, than you ever were back before it started.”
― Alysha Speer