Friday, May 9, 2014

To the Incapable Heart

How many more days am I destined to suffer your memory
  were we not connected somehow
do I wait
  do you wait
is it worth the wait
  will we even meet again
what the hell am I even waiting for
  I miss the conversations 
be it small talk
  I just miss you
contending with these thoughts is unfair and angers me so
  I cannot put a stop to it
I never asked for them
  I never told you to give them to me
so, why is it that you went away
  thinking only of yourself 
and whatever the hell you thought I did to you
  you knew all along
I didn't know how to handle any of it
  I don't know now
but the fucking feelings won't stop
  look at the time
how much of it has passed
  yet, here I sit
tears running down my face
  not knowing how being me
your friend perhaps
  could turn you away
you left me 
  you abandoned me
another day will not come 
 where I will feel what I felt in that moment
solely the moment when it all became recognizable
  never will a day arrive where my heart 
will beat
  as fast
as it did
  when your presence incited it in such a way 
I am brokenhearted over a heart I never had
  or was it one I had all along
you
  your essence
all that is and shall remain mysterious and hidden
  you could never pretend
I could never pretend 
  I don't want to pretend
I want you to know
  the rest is clandestine 
why does me missing you
  make you feel so afraid
unable to be  
  I did not heed warnings
from those we knew
 for I was not setting out on a venture
to attain what they
  what you
thought I wanted
  why is it so outlandish 
to want someone
  you
to be in my life
  a piece of my existence
is it so hard to be 
  or are you too much a coward 
what makes you so much better
  how do you justify turning your back
I did not want a figment
  I am not content with a mere collection of memories
emotions may become carried away
  but they don't disappear
they don't run away
  you left me
and I am mad at you
  I am mad that my heart is big enough to allow 
unintended souls
  I'm tired of making room for incapable hearts
of cowardly investors
  I will remain angry for the days to come
all the days to come
  the burden you thought I put on you 
was a cowardly attempt at justification
  don't think you know me
don't think you knew me back then
  don't think you understood what was happening
don't think of yourself as a better person for doing so. 

HLM
Pissed off on 5/9/14