Long quote for today

Found this online....

“Laugh, even when you feel too sick or too worn out or tired.
Smile, even when you're trying not to cry and the tears are blurring your vision.
Sing, even when people stare at you and tell you your voice is crappy.
Trust, even when your heart begs you not to.
Twirl, even when your mind makes no sense of what you see.
Frolick, even when you are made fun of. Kiss, even when others are watching. Sleep, even when you're afraid of what the dreams might bring.
Run, even when it feels like you can't run any more.
And, always, remember, even when the memories pinch your heart. Because the pain of all your experience is what makes you the person you are now. And without your experience---you are an empty page, a blank notebook, a missing lyric. What makes you brave is your willingness to live through your terrible life and hold your head up high the next day. So don't live life in fear. Because you are stronger now, after all the crap has happened, than you ever were back before it started.”
― Alysha Speer

1AM Headache

There are so many things I miss.

so many people, too

Some gone from this earth in physical form.  

Others... I thought were my friends.  For small moments in life they were.

I have memories.  Some better than others.  

Tonight my eyes are red and my cheeks stained with tears.  

Just another night in my life.  

Just another part of the fight. 

Words of advice have been read. 

Words of encouragement received. 

Things could be worse

my heart begs to differ

my soul feels weak

my faith even less 

but I'm not done.

Time

will heal

rebuild

I'll feel one day

Happiness

I'm broken

I'm lost 

but not without 

guidance

compassion

I'm sure jealous rage will consume

and my angry heart will speak

words of dark from my battered soul

but truth is truth

whether yelled or spoken

One day I'll heal

Faith restored

in people

in life

in love. 

HLM
12/14/2013

Bah Humbug!

Why does everything have to be so hard?!  Why can't I just toss deuces and go?  I've let all this crap strip the very life from me... I can barely find myself anymore.  What has been my favorite holiday of all seems more a chore than anything.  WHAT?!  I love decorating for Christmas!  Well, I used to.

I've become the Grinch.  A Scrooge.  Bah-freakin'-humbug!  

I keep telling myself I am a burden to everyone who's offered a helping hand, a roof, a safe haven.  I have thoroughly convinced myself that I'm going to be too much of a problem.  WHAT?!  

What the heck is wrong with me?  

So tired.

So empty.

So afraid. 

SO READY TO MOVE ON... 

just too damn exhausted to get it all done.

What happened to me?  

I have to find me.  

Soon. 

HLM

Stop! Drop! Roll!

A recent email from my aunt held inside this little gem and I must share:

 

This morning I read ~ "a busy life is not necessarily a productive life. I think it is time for a refresher course on how to find God's balance in life because being out of balance is not a good thing. When our finances are out of balance, we hear from the bank. When the washer is out of balance, it dances across the floor. When the tires on our car are out of balance, the ride is rough. But when our life is out of balance, disaster is just around the corner.

Remembering my elementary school days when the firemen came to our school to teach us what we should do in case we ever caught on fire. I remember the drill clearly. Stop! Drop! Roll! Let's apply that same drill to the area of balance. STOP! When was the last time you got off the merry-go-round of life and took a hard look at your life? Build on your strengths. Accept your limitations and yield to the seasons of life. DROP! Eliminate things that steal your time. Learn to invest your time instead of just spending it or allowing others to steal it. ROLL! Roll away the burdens you are carrying and learn the value of resting in God. Every opportunity to worry is also an opportunity to trust Him." (Mary Sutherland)

Happy 1st of November!

~Holly  

Quote of the Day

Edith Wharton

"There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it."

 

Busy Weekend - Tired Eyes

Wow!  What a busy and fun weekend!  Make-up and hair session for my client (ok - my oldest step-daughter ;) Sunday morning, by the fabulous Jutone, followed by our final portrait session and immediately following was a family shoot at our local Berry Acres .  I had a great time and captured some amazing shots, including this one of the amazing Hoverson family:

Saturday was not as fun, but it was just as busy.  Soccer with the youngest, some shopping and cleaning.  I managed to get a few moments of "study time" for photography and looked over my books for some ideas and tips for yesterday's sessions.  I am learning more each session and loving it.  This week will be filled with the usual family chaos and photo edits.  I promised the Hoverson family their pictures would be ready for review by Friday and I have until 31 Oct to submit Lo's senior portrait/s to her school for the yearbook.  There are so many good ones so I hope we can decide!  Here are 2 from yesterday (I took them with my cell phone off the screen of my camera!! I loved them and had to share right away.  I cannot wait until I get edits and touch-ups done):

 

 

Everything else has been background noise - some soothing and some not!  I was able to spend some quality girl time with 2 of my favorite ladies on Friday night over a bottle of wine and laughter.  That was much needed!  I still have plans for my future but am working out all the details and getting things lined up.  It's been a long time coming and will hopefully bring clarity to a lot of things.

 

Off to work I go!  (the one I have to leave home for!)

 

Later!

 

Holly 

See the unseen

O thee I wasted wishes on
you have yet to disappear from my mind
lingering in thoughts
like the smell of a burning fire in the distance
There was so much more
this is so much more
Alas, timing was not precise 
You
scared like a child who lost their way
you
over-analyzing what was meant to be 
you
hiding the truth behind your eyes
blind to reality
never letting go 
yet always want to let go
your want
your desire
reciprocal in nature to mine
to me
to us
Hope still lingers
though hopeless it is to want
one day
soon
this life or the next
we will walk
together 
hand in hand.
no complications. 
breathe
just be.
Close your eyes with me
see what is unseen
   
~hlm 
9/21/13

(just a small amount of words escaping today... enjoy)

Any Man

Any man who laughs at your depression and rolls his eyes at your suffering, and refuses to understand it, doesn't deserve you.

Any man who can't hold you on the anniversary of your brother's death - and probably the toughest one yet - as tears stream down your face and you can't breathe because it hurts to, has no right to be discouraged when you won't reciprocate attempts to touch.

Any man who refuses to better his situation allowing his family to fall apart and his home to be ripped away does not deserve anyone in his life.

The aforementioned stands on the edge of losing it all and still believes everything is ok and that the world is oblivious to his shortcomings. It's no longer a matter of support and never was, nor will be a matter of ridiculing, it's a matter of bettering one's own situation and using the resources they have - even though slim they are! - to move forward.

The process is painstakingly slow and the constant battle to take one step at a time is overwhelming. Move forward. Keep moving on.

~HLM
9/16/2013

Being a romantic sucks!

Yes! Being a romantic sucks.  I am ok with being classified as one - I am fully aware that I am one and have always been one.  It's when I am forced to give up the facade that things were never really ok.  A simple re-direction of the question and bam! I never had to lie about the answer and my rambling usually made one obilivious to the fact that I avoided the question altogether. 

The reality is, I am/was (WHATEVER) trying to save you from the unnecessary involvment in a confusing and complicated situation you never caused.  I see no need to add pressure to you and implicate you into feeling as if you had to choose a side or be careful of what you say and who you say it to.  It's my problem - not yours!  You should not have to suffer from the insanity. 

On the other side of things, I have been suffering - no fault but my own - from having hope in something that is... well... hopeless.  There is no progression.  No positive outcome.  I kept faith in something that will never change; never produce happiness; never resolve.  I kept this up for far too long and am now suffering from the ridiculous of the situation.  I have known what I needed to do.  I have been given the blessings from cherished loved ones.  But, this dumbass "romantic" has remained planted where I know I should not be and most certainly where I don't deserve to be. 

There is no fear of being alone.  There is a fear of what comes next... another failure.  I've had enough of those.  I don't want to go through more hopeful situations only to be brought back to the same shit different day, different entity crap that seems to follow me down this mother-truckin' road.  I don't want it. I don't want to go through this crap again and I sure as hell don't want to drag someone down with me.  I don't even know if I any longer hold the capacity to feel all I've longed for.

Sure, the romantic wants all the possible roses and doting from someone special, but the reality is that it's not going to happen.  Not if I remain in this comatose state.  Not if I long for fiction. 

"I sure would like some sweet company..." 

~HLM
(8/28/2013)

Today - I wine!

So far, today has been particularly wretched as you will see:

1)  A cranky, old lady decided to lecture me this morning about something I have no control over

2)  A transfer of over $250 wouldn't go through

3)  Icky stomach

4)  Massive lower back pain

I blame it being a Monday.  All of the above sucks and I hope things improve.  Oh well, just a simple reminder that you don't have control over all aspects of your life.  I will simply attempt to:

Get through this day

 

Move forward

 

Be grateful for all that I have

And... probably take a few ibuprofen. 

I shall return - soon - with a more positive message.

Yours truly,

Me

My male model

Here are 3 shots - edits included - of James B. for Senior portraits

Like always... RESPECT THE COPYRIGHT! DO NOT REPRODUCE OR SHARE AT ALL!

Hell... just a quote!

Winston Churchill
"If you're going through hell, keep going."

8th Annual Writer’s Digest Poetry Awards

Dare I say... excitement fills me?! Yep!

I was just thinking to myself that I need a good competition - poetry it is!  Check out the link below for more information. 

http://www.writersdigest.com/competitions/poetry-contests


Here is one for a short story competition as well:

http://www.writersdigest.com/competitions/short-short-story-competition

~HLM

Senior Portrait - Headshot 1

Well, I took a stab at one picture tonight and honestly, if you could see the before and after you would be amazed with what I accomplished.  

The deadline for senior pics to be submitted to the yearbook is 31 Oct.  Time is limited (and will be more-so once the kids get back from New York) so I better get working!! I can't wait for the girls to return so I can get out and take some more pictures!

Ok, it's late and I could ramble on and on and on...

DO NOT REPRODUCE THIS PICTURE IN ANY WAY!  RESPECT THE COPYRIGHT! 

Later,

Holly 

I'm back!!!

New laptop!!!!

Time to get some photo edits done and writing added!!

I am excited!

I know you are! Whoever you are! Wherever you are!

You've missed me. I can feel it :)

Out of sorts

I am going through withdrawals not being able to play with photos!  I can take them all day long but have nowhere to put them and no way to edit!  It's driving me nuts - who knew I would enjoy this as much as I do!! 

I have been so eager to work on the senior pics I took a while back!!  With the help of some awesome people, I am looking into the laptop situation and hope to have something figured out soon!

Kind of sad today

No matter how hard your shell is
No matter how high you build your wall
Some days it's hard not to crumble.
Tears fall like droplets of rain from a cloud overhead
No storm, simply gentle.
Yet, enough to make visible the fact that something is falling.
     My heart is falling.
          Further into the pit of my stomach.

~HLM 
7/15/2013       

Out of Order!!!

I won't be able to do much as my laptop finally decided to crash.  It's old enough and not worth the money to fix, so I am going to do some searching for something new.  Updating from my phone just isn't the same and I also won't be able to edit and upload any photos for some time.  That's the biggest hit - losing the edited pictures.  I didn't lose all my pictures, but I know there are a lot now gone!  Oh well - nothing much I can do about it. 

The husband is going to attempt to retrieve the data from my harddrive, but I am not holding my breath.  My laptop may soon end up as target practice...

~Hollywood~

Poetry Prompt Wednesday - SURE! Why not?!

Untitled

You have a face
you have a name
but no!
I will not call you out!
You can dance around your own idiocrasy
Like a child
you saunter towards authority
looking for approval
to blame others
before you're caught demising
Your creations are like demon minions
placed in strategic corners of the minds of the weak
but, dear,
you simply misunderstand my placid nature
I sit
I observe
I note
and I reflect upon your actions
and like a cloud of dust
leave behind traces of your ways
and others begin to see
And soon you are lost
caged only by your lies
your confession is not needed
your actions are proof
You sinister being!
You bitch!


~HLM 6/19/2013 (c)



Wednesday Poetry Prompts: 224

For today’s prompt, write a sinister poem. The narrator could be sinister, or something sinister could be happening to someone (or something) else.


http://www.writersdigest.com/whats-new/wednesday-poetry-prompts-224

Wrote this one down in March

A few lines I jotted down in March.  I opened my comp book and read it and figured I might as well post it up here to allow those of you who choose to... judge.  Please respect my claim and don't copy in any way!

I stand upon the black-stained earth
a creation of my weeping
just like dark shadows that chase
surrounded I am with darkness beneath my feet.

3/25/2013
~HLM

Pictures

Here is my first attempt at Senior Photos and editing.  I took a total of 267 photos on Thursday and here are 3 of my favorites of my step-daugher.  I have a lot more and will post as I edit.  I also have several of her boyfriend and a few of the 2 of them together.  I will post more as I go...

Please respect the copyright of these images!! They are not to be reproduced in ANY WAY.  Thank you.  ~HLM

Senior Portraits

Today I get to take a stab at doing some Senior Portraits!!!!!!

I have so many ideas and so many tips and I am anxious to hone in on my skills.  I am WAY amateur at this photography thing, but do note I can't remember a time I didn't want to have a camera and shoot pictures of everything!  A gift and curiosity I learned from my father! (Love you, daddy!!)

The sun is actually shining for the 2nd day in a row here and I must - simply MUST - use it to my advantage for some outdoor photos.  Taking the pictures is the easy part... it's my editing skills that also need improvement and finding the time to sit down and solely focus on edits.  My own office would be GREAT!! (with a lock!!!)  Someday...

I hope to post the photos soon. 

Laters!
HLM

Time keeps slipping away

Time keeps slipping away
Progession stays just out of reach
Depression sets in
I may need to adjust my meds. 

Anywhoo...

If there were no such thing as work I'd probably never get out of bed.  Lately all I want to do is curl up in a ball, snuggle with my pets and sleep the drama away.  RIGHT?! I guess taking my own advice - SUCK IT UP - is appropriate now, huh?

Looking at the problem makes me want to vomit.  Thinking of the problem makes me want to vomit.  Realizing I have no QUICK way out makes me want to vomit.  It's like someone put up a fence in front of my focus and goal and hid the ladder for me to climb.  It looks like I'll have to build my own ladder and being that supplies are at a low, it might take some time. 

So, what the hell do I do with the "spare" time I am given?  Bury myself into something productive and rewarding.  Do I take on this photography thing?  Pick up my pen and write again?  Obviously, I should!  Dear Motivation - WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!?!?!  You hid your face and when I find it... you better watch out!

Today I am full of simple ramblings.  Nothing exciting.  Same shit, different day.  It's time to regain focus and

VISUALIZE

POSITIVE

IMAGES

 

Deuces,

Hollywood 

felt this way for sure

every single day...

Where the hell have I been?!

Good grief.  Life... sometimes SUCKS!!!!  In fact, it sucks the parts of me I like the most out and stomps all over them!!!  It's taken a massive amount of time for me to pick up some of those pieces and I'm still in "recovery mode."  Those who know the situation(s) need no explanation and for those who don't.... where to start?!

Honestly, I won't go into every detail but I know it takes 2 to make a relationship work and it has been a huge pain in the ass being the only 1 for MONTHS.  Actually, I am pretty sure it's been at least a year by now.   Yes! Yes!  There are 2 sides to every story and I am not here to bash anyone.  Honestly, there isn't much the defense has to offer and everyone can make their own judgements... but reality leaves me with focusing on how to get to the end result.  The end result is ME! ME! ME! 

I took on becoming a mother to 2 children who are not my own.  It's embarassing to say I've had to mother an adult as well.  One more than capable of directing his efforts towards progress has instead buried his head in the sand, turned his back on what's most important and finds apparent enjoyment in accusing his significant other of the most asinine things,  ridiculing and pretending everything is ok.  I know! I know!  Men don't like to talk... I get that. Always have.  But, seriously, I can't help if you don't pull your head out.  And, the longer it stays shoved up there, the less I am going to care.  There is no time to feel sorry for yourself.  And I have no more sympathy.

The progression of my plan has slowed but I keep focus.  Some days I simply feel I have lost all faith in everythying, but my parents and true - VERY TRUE - friends help keep things in perspective.  I am still scared to death but I wouldn't be human if I wasn't.  I've refrained from doing ridiculous things and have kept true to myself and for that I am proud. 

Soon... but never soon enough it seems, things will move along a little faster.  Until then... I end today's rant.

You know you've missed me.

~Holly

Because I Can - Because I Do!

I am a believer of "signs"
and that things happen for a reason. 

If I hear from you and the song that reminds me of you happens to be playing at the same time, I am going to take it as a sign.

Because I can.
Because I do.
Because deep down I know
as do you.

Like a melody stuck in my head
    you are!!

~ HLM 3/27/2013

Short Story Competition

Short Story Competition 

Lorian Hemingway Short Story Competition to be exact!

Information on  a short story contest can be found below

http://www.shortstorycompetition.com/Guidelines.php


A goal for me to meet... to submit an entry!  We shall see...

2013 April PAD Challenge

YES! It is that time again!  April's Poem A Day Challenge.  I am excited for the prompts and look forward to actully completing the entire month! 

For guidelines and additional information please check out this link:
http://www.writersdigest.com/whats-new/2013-april-pad-challenge-guidelines

There is No Point in Fighting This

There is No Point in Fighting This

I stand yet again confronting these feelings
I fight them daily
I see no end in sight
I fight them from consuming me
from making all my decisions
as if the melodic echo of your kisses weren't enough
your vision lingers
your eyes invade my dreams
the longing
you are more than a raindrop in the river
you cause the waves that crash against my soul
you brought meaning to my heart
strange
unexplainable
inescapable

~HLM 3/22/2013

Follow your heart... or something like that.

Follow your heart

Look at the signs and see what they really mean.

All things I paid attention to before led me down a path and a heavy portion of learning experiences were shoved in my face.   A lot of life lessons bunched up and insisting my attention be given. 

Granted, some tough things happened and I did things but I am not ashamed.  I thought I was, but all of it has molded me into the person I am today.  Though I still need a lot of work, I am figuring out where I am meant to be and who I am meant to be.  Also, the person I am meant to stand next to.  Whether this life or the next. 

~hlm 3/20/13

getting it out of my head.

I hear from you. Now I hear that song. My mind is racing... do I listen to my heart? Of course... it will lead me to you.

~HLM

Minor scolding of self...

There are things I want to learn.  There are things I have been sitting around for years waiting to have someone else teach me.  I have been too afraid of doing it alone and/or not doing it right.  Hmmm... you can only figure it out IF YOU TRY.  I am so overwhelmed with what others are going to think that I talk myself out of doing it... anything.  

To become self-sufficient I guess I need to learn these things.  It's not a bucket-list, but a common sense knowledge I should already know.  Get on it! Do this thing!  or... these things - haha!

It reminds me of learning to play the piano.  I took lessons for a while then decided I didn't like taking lessons so I quit but I did not quit playing piano.  I bought sheet music and learned each song.  I am far from the greatest, but I kept up with it and still love playing.  I need a full keyboard to be completely happy, but for now my keyboard is suffice enough.

I know bits and pieces of other things, be it my bow, my guns, fishing, running, writing - you name it!  In order to gain the knowledge I seek, I can no longer rely on waiting for someone else to show me.  I can't get frustrated that someone else didn't show me if I haven't taken it upon myself to learn.  I have to stop sitting and waiting!!!  I am beginning to see this advice carries over into more than just hobbies... SO TAKE IT!!! Take the advice! Take the advice others give! Take the advice you know!!!

Where did that come from?

Recently, a question was asked that I had no problem answering (NO) but I have found I am struggling with why the question was asked.  It might just be more insight into why I must continue to focus on what I want. The particular question held no consideration for my life or for my future.  It was an open question but I am at a loss at what else I can do or say.  It's a small peek inside the mind of someone becoming more and more a stranger in my life.  

I become frustrated at the realization that I have been the only one paying attention.  In fact, I find I can't put into words my total feelings on the subject.  Ultimately, it's a same-shit, different-day kind of thing... really.  The lack of consideration to what this would do to those directly involved is beyond comprehension.  Granted (and here goes my self-doubt ... just kick me, please!) it wasn't a solid plan - it was merely a suggestion.  Holly! REALITY CHECK!  Something that big - that far away - is not something that just pops into ones head.  It's an out, but not for me.

Fear not, those of you who know what this is about, I have no plans to concede.  I will keep a partially open mind and listen and offer suggestion (because, unfortunately, that's what I do) but I will not make the journey.    This may just be the sign I have convinced myself I am looking for... I know what my decision is and if I have to make it alone, I will. 

I got this. 

It's not personal ?!

Ok, so there are a few things I can't help but take personal and here is one:

Ungrateful teenager blaming me for TAKING CARE OF HER!!!

Today's Rant - 2 sides to everything

I know not to play sides against each other.  Things get down to the ugly of any situation and someone always says, “You don’t know both sides” or,  “How do you know?” or, “Have you considered their feelings?” Let’s get one thing clear:  If you are not living in my house, walking in my shoes, or currently at war with multiple emotions inside my heart and my head, please refrain from judgment calls.

I think those who know me would say I do a pretty good job of not making things one-sided.  Granted, my voice and frustrations are the only being heard, but I don’t come out and completely trash-talk the other side.  I do step back and look at things from the other side – not always immediately, but once my frustration / anger / whatever the hell it is subsides I try to walk through what I said or what I did. What triggered things? Did I over-react?  Ask those closest to me, I will curl up in a pathetic little ball and second guess myself.  In reality, if I said or did something it was because I wanted to. But, somewhere inside me is a feeble little voice that says “maybe you’re wrong, Holly.”  I haven’t quite learned how to stop giving people 2nd chances – 3^rd chances – 4^th chances – ok, you get my point!! or how to realize I AM STRONG enough and don’t NEED THE BULLSHIT!!!!  That I WAS right and I continue to be right because I didn’t approach with arrogance.  I proceeded with emotion; raw, fucking emotion. 

I know there are worse things in life.  But, if I don’t express myself, I will explode and believe-you-me… that would be messy.  Who wants to clean that up?!

 

~HLM

REMIND MYSELF!!!

I need to remind myself of this! 

 

Whatever it takes to keep on track and say motivated!

 

WHATEVER IT TAKES!!!!

A little tough love for myself

The modes I take to tackle my emotions typically fall into writing, driving, crying and music – naturally loud.  Sometimes I’ll play music (keyboard), but I find it soothing when left alone to do so and these days that’s impossible.  The solitude of a long drive with the radio blaring can mingle with my senses and help me to cry it out, yell it out or realize the moment has me void of all emotion.  My defense to anyone telling me I am running away is that I really am saving you from the attack I’ll put on you verbally.  Once I hit a certain point I ooze insults and self-pity and I’d rather run off and have a love affair with music in my car than say or do something I’ll ultimately regret.  If this is unacceptable, too bad, it’s my thing – not yours.  And, yes, I will focus on ME.   I really enjoy the idea of working out – the physical outsourcing is a great stress reliever, but to assist in a grand finale of a plan I cancelled my gym membership to use funds elsewhere.  Besides, there is a treadmill, a bike, hand weights, yoga mat, stability ball, etc at home. Again, though, being left alone to drain – sweat out – the emotions is practically impossible.  Dogs, cats, children, angry other half… it just doesn’t work.  Taking a step outside to focus on me is best for everyone involved.

Which leads me to a recent self-realization that I have been openly avoiding for some time… what’s “easiest” isn’t always best.  Avoiding the problem isn’t even an excuse for a solution.  I altered my own thinking to realize that “comfortable” simply meant there was too much mental tasking involved figuring out the solution.  I could vent to my support group (also known as my BFF’s and parents and sometimes a random stranger – ok not really… but sometimes an outside perspective is good as long as you don’t have to pay) and the advice they gave me felt right but I either mentally prepared for it and never followed through or simply dismissed and thought “they don’t know me!”  the latter is few and far, but when I look back (step 1 for myself) inside at all that I know, I have been avoiding the inevitable. 

I curse those who avoid problems and now see I, too, have a way of weaving around things.  I don’t ignore them, but I play a game of pretend and what-if’s and ultimately guilt myself into thinking there is more to it and I should let things be and that they’ll work themselves out.  Months – nearly a year – later I see no resolve because I didn’t learn and I didn’t listen to those who really gave me sound advice.  No one has told me what will happen; they told me I need to take steps to SEE what will happen.  There is no easy way out. There is no easy way in.  Real life: you live it.  You can either be trapped in a pit you refuse to find a way out of or you can make the changes to yourself and if needed, your situation and move forward (thank you Amanda Hillberry for that advice!!) Again, no one told me to abandon my situation; I was advised to look at things from a different perspective.  Now that I can slowly see this truly needs to be done, I can begin to plan and who knows, maybe things will turn around in the planning stages because the momentum leading me forward could inadvertently alter my thoughts and feelings.  My focus will be on something else and a realization I never bothered paying attention to before could present itself and I’ll simply see it in a different light.  It may or may not alter my plan, but it’s a possibility.  And, right now, I’ll take this!  I’ll take it on.  I know for damn sure I won't give up on what I want without a fight.  Right now, my head needs to be clear enough to see just what I really want.  I must find out what I really need.    

A recent distraction stepped aside and I know it was solely me who allowed it to become a distraction, and my focus can now shift.  I can fight myself and deal with ME and what needs to be done and what all of that meant; really, truly meant or may still mean.  I just know it was a focal point for me.  It was a way to long and hide – though, the situation holds much more than that.  (That situation is something I'll get into later.)  It will come to surface shortly, but right at this moment I am looking at and to myself and know I have a self-inflicted wound that needs time to heal.    

I am first delving back into the one thing I have done since I can remember … write.  I write it all down!  It doesn’t matter how much sense it makes at the time; it matters that I am not holding it in.  I can rummage through it and make sense and find it all out as I go!

I will slowly be going through the advice I’ve been given and see how many times I repeated myself.  My friends have been more than patient and even though I say the same things or ask for the same answer they tell me – with love and more recent TOUGH love – the same answers.  I need to actually hear those answers for once and go forth.  This entire “self-help” segment is to reiterate that I must go on with this plan.  It’s out there… I can’t hide it once you’ve seen it J and I guess the only way to let you know I am serious is to do this damn thing!  So.... 

 

Let’s do this!

 

~HLM 3/1/2013

 

There will be much more to come. I promise!

Happy Birthday, sister. I miss you.

Life is too short not to tell those you care about what they mean to you.  I never took the chance on more than one occasion and live with the regret that my family - those I've lost - never knew.  Of recent, I was too damn afraid to tell a friend how much they meant to me and the impact they had on my life.  It was such a strange thing but I'll hold onto it and learn from it, I guess.  Maybe one day I'll figure things out :)

....

The road ahead of me is not paved

It’s full of pot holes and I have no map

I have a good sense of direction, however,

And will use this to my advantage as I weave through

 

~HLM 2/28/13

still

I see you... and mixed emotions sit upon my chest. I can't breathe.

~HLM

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