Yes! Being a romantic sucks. I am ok with being classified as one - I am fully aware that I am one and have always been one. It's when I am forced to give up the facade that things were never really ok. A simple re-direction of the question and bam! I never had to lie about the answer and my rambling usually made one obilivious to the fact that I avoided the question altogether.
The reality is, I am/was (WHATEVER) trying to save you from the unnecessary involvment in a confusing and complicated situation you never caused. I see no need to add pressure to you and implicate you into feeling as if you had to choose a side or be careful of what you say and who you say it to. It's my problem - not yours! You should not have to suffer from the insanity.
On the other side of things, I have been suffering - no fault but my own - from having hope in something that is... well... hopeless. There is no progression. No positive outcome. I kept faith in something that will never change; never produce happiness; never resolve. I kept this up for far too long and am now suffering from the ridiculous of the situation. I have known what I needed to do. I have been given the blessings from cherished loved ones. But, this dumbass "romantic" has remained planted where I know I should not be and most certainly where I don't deserve to be.
There is no fear of being alone. There is a fear of what comes next... another failure. I've had enough of those. I don't want to go through more hopeful situations only to be brought back to the same shit different day, different entity crap that seems to follow me down this mother-truckin' road. I don't want it. I don't want to go through this crap again and I sure as hell don't want to drag someone down with me. I don't even know if I any longer hold the capacity to feel all I've longed for.
Sure, the romantic wants all the possible roses and doting from someone special, but the reality is that it's not going to happen. Not if I remain in this comatose state. Not if I long for fiction.
"I sure would like some sweet company..."
~HLM
(8/28/2013)
You are loved. At some point it has to evolve to accepting the love you are given from those who love you and not looking around beneath that love in search of something else. You deserve so much more than you think you do. In balance there is no failure, only adjustment.
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