Friday, March 1, 2013

A little tough love for myself

The modes I take to tackle my emotions typically fall into writing, driving, crying and music – naturally loud.  Sometimes I’ll play music (keyboard), but I find it soothing when left alone to do so and these days that’s impossible.  The solitude of a long drive with the radio blaring can mingle with my senses and help me to cry it out, yell it out or realize the moment has me void of all emotion.  My defense to anyone telling me I am running away is that I really am saving you from the attack I’ll put on you verbally.  Once I hit a certain point I ooze insults and self-pity and I’d rather run off and have a love affair with music in my car than say or do something I’ll ultimately regret.  If this is unacceptable, too bad, it’s my thing – not yours.  And, yes, I will focus on ME.   I really enjoy the idea of working out – the physical outsourcing is a great stress reliever, but to assist in a grand finale of a plan I cancelled my gym membership to use funds elsewhere.  Besides, there is a treadmill, a bike, hand weights, yoga mat, stability ball, etc at home. Again, though, being left alone to drain – sweat out – the emotions is practically impossible.  Dogs, cats, children, angry other half… it just doesn’t work.  Taking a step outside to focus on me is best for everyone involved.

Which leads me to a recent self-realization that I have been openly avoiding for some time… what’s “easiest” isn’t always best.  Avoiding the problem isn’t even an excuse for a solution.  I altered my own thinking to realize that “comfortable” simply meant there was too much mental tasking involved figuring out the solution.  I could vent to my support group (also known as my BFF’s and parents and sometimes a random stranger – ok not really… but sometimes an outside perspective is good as long as you don’t have to pay) and the advice they gave me felt right but I either mentally prepared for it and never followed through or simply dismissed and thought “they don’t know me!”  the latter is few and far, but when I look back (step 1 for myself) inside at all that I know, I have been avoiding the inevitable. 

I curse those who avoid problems and now see I, too, have a way of weaving around things.  I don’t ignore them, but I play a game of pretend and what-if’s and ultimately guilt myself into thinking there is more to it and I should let things be and that they’ll work themselves out.  Months – nearly a year – later I see no resolve because I didn’t learn and I didn’t listen to those who really gave me sound advice.  No one has told me what will happen; they told me I need to take steps to SEE what will happen.  There is no easy way out. There is no easy way in.  Real life: you live it.  You can either be trapped in a pit you refuse to find a way out of or you can make the changes to yourself and if needed, your situation and move forward (thank you Amanda Hillberry for that advice!!) Again, no one told me to abandon my situation; I was advised to look at things from a different perspective.  Now that I can slowly see this truly needs to be done, I can begin to plan and who knows, maybe things will turn around in the planning stages because the momentum leading me forward could inadvertently alter my thoughts and feelings.  My focus will be on something else and a realization I never bothered paying attention to before could present itself and I’ll simply see it in a different light.  It may or may not alter my plan, but it’s a possibility.  And, right now, I’ll take this!  I’ll take it on.  I know for damn sure I won't give up on what I want without a fight.  Right now, my head needs to be clear enough to see just what I really want.  I must find out what I really need.    

A recent distraction stepped aside and I know it was solely me who allowed it to become a distraction, and my focus can now shift.  I can fight myself and deal with ME and what needs to be done and what all of that meant; really, truly meant or may still mean.  I just know it was a focal point for me.  It was a way to long and hide – though, the situation holds much more than that.  (That situation is something I'll get into later.)  It will come to surface shortly, but right at this moment I am looking at and to myself and know I have a self-inflicted wound that needs time to heal.    

I am first delving back into the one thing I have done since I can remember … write.  I write it all down!  It doesn’t matter how much sense it makes at the time; it matters that I am not holding it in.  I can rummage through it and make sense and find it all out as I go!

I will slowly be going through the advice I’ve been given and see how many times I repeated myself.  My friends have been more than patient and even though I say the same things or ask for the same answer they tell me – with love and more recent TOUGH love – the same answers.  I need to actually hear those answers for once and go forth.  This entire “self-help” segment is to reiterate that I must go on with this plan.  It’s out there… I can’t hide it once you’ve seen it J and I guess the only way to let you know I am serious is to do this damn thing!  So.... 
Let’s do this!


~HLM 3/1/2013
There will be much more to come. I promise!