Sunday, May 31, 2015

My Process


The process is not without hurt. 
It is not without feeling.

What process? MY process.

It is not without unanswered questions.
Or the regret of those things I did not say. 

The moment… the very moment… I realized I felt too much

Every word I meant to say became a cascade of tears.
Wiping them away did not remove the thoughts from my mind

And though I am stronger than I had been
You – yes you – found my weak spot. 

Intentional or not – you fucking found it.  You pointed it out without words or intended action.

I hate you for that.
I thank you for that.

Trying to hide gets tiring, but aids in the process of becoming numb.
Once numb, I can be happy.

Or so I thought.
I felt something.  I felt it and I was angry at first. 

Then the realization slowly intervened that it IS ok to feel. 
Whether or not I feel the right thing for the wrong person
Or the wrong thing for the right person is not the overall concern. 
I felt.  It is ok to feel.
I am human.  Not without faults. Not without complications. 
But, that’s who I am. 
I cannot be anything but. 
I am broken.
I am bruised. 
I don’t want to feel, 
but I don’t mind that I did for you.
 
HLM - 5/31/15

As always ... a work in progress.  Not just my words.