Gibberish

There is no song that will remind you of me, is there?  One that will make you stop in your tracks and bring every memory to the surface ... burning like fire. Why am I the one cursed with suffering... with tears?  With fear? Disappointment.  Despair.

Why?

Let it go!
Let it go!
Let it go!

I'm trying.  O, Lord! I am trying!

HLM

Fresh air and gun powder!

Ventured out today with my dad and shot a few rounds at the range!  It was great!  Getting more comfortable with my .357 and maybe one day I'll actually hit the target!!  Well, I hit the target for sure once, but not quite sure if I hit anything else other than dirt.  The 9mm I shot of dad's was amazing... and reminds me why I wanted one of the first place.  The action on that thing was great!

Today was my dad's birthday so it was nice to be able to spend time doing something I know he enjoys!  I haven't been out shooting with him for years... and I can't wait to do it again.  Just need to get the income flowing so I can help put something toward the ammo fund.  It also fired me up to get my bow out and sharpen my skills a bit more.  

I can't wait to get outdoors and do more!  Walking, shooting... photography!  You name it and I want to do it!  It's damn time! Maybe the fresh air - or that German Chocolate Cake for Dad's birthday - is getting to me! 

Emotionally, I am having a rough time... just frustrated and lonely I suppose.  Not having met many people here in town - well, not having ventured out to have a chance to meet anyone - is making it a little tough.  Maybe, it's better this way for now.  I am suppose to be regrounding myself and tossing too many people in the mix with the chance to interfere in my progress - if I have made any - would be counter-productive I suppose.  

Nothing too deep this evening.  

That is all. 

HLM

"He didn't keep his side of the bargain."

Who would've thought the movie Twister would offer so much insight into my life?!  He sure as hell didn't keep his side of the bargain... and it's beyond my control.  What I can control and will control is myself... my steps forward and my future.  I have a feeling my future will be without many-a-persons who decided to turn their backs on our friendship.  No matter how messed up, emotional and confusing - you just don't STOP. Say HI once in a while or have the common decency to tell me you're cutting the strings that attach us.  Oh well, everyone and their actions are out of my control.  I need to let go.  For some of you, I already have.

Maybe that's why it's a little easier to smile.

Breathing.

HLM

Working on a website

Check it out - let me know what you think?  It's a start...


http://holleephoto.wix.com/holleephotography



I know, it's been ages since I've been over this way.  Life has been busy... moving on, moving out and moving up!! More to come later.

HLM

Long quote for today

Found this online....

“Laugh, even when you feel too sick or too worn out or tired.
Smile, even when you're trying not to cry and the tears are blurring your vision.
Sing, even when people stare at you and tell you your voice is crappy.
Trust, even when your heart begs you not to.
Twirl, even when your mind makes no sense of what you see.
Frolick, even when you are made fun of. Kiss, even when others are watching. Sleep, even when you're afraid of what the dreams might bring.
Run, even when it feels like you can't run any more.
And, always, remember, even when the memories pinch your heart. Because the pain of all your experience is what makes you the person you are now. And without your experience---you are an empty page, a blank notebook, a missing lyric. What makes you brave is your willingness to live through your terrible life and hold your head up high the next day. So don't live life in fear. Because you are stronger now, after all the crap has happened, than you ever were back before it started.”
― Alysha Speer

1AM Headache

There are so many things I miss.

so many people, too

Some gone from this earth in physical form.  

Others... I thought were my friends.  For small moments in life they were.

I have memories.  Some better than others.  

Tonight my eyes are red and my cheeks stained with tears.  

Just another night in my life.  

Just another part of the fight. 

Words of advice have been read. 

Words of encouragement received. 

Things could be worse

my heart begs to differ

my soul feels weak

my faith even less 

but I'm not done.

Time

will heal

rebuild

I'll feel one day

Happiness

I'm broken

I'm lost 

but not without 

guidance

compassion

I'm sure jealous rage will consume

and my angry heart will speak

words of dark from my battered soul

but truth is truth

whether yelled or spoken

One day I'll heal

Faith restored

in people

in life

in love. 

HLM
12/14/2013

Bah Humbug!

Why does everything have to be so hard?!  Why can't I just toss deuces and go?  I've let all this crap strip the very life from me... I can barely find myself anymore.  What has been my favorite holiday of all seems more a chore than anything.  WHAT?!  I love decorating for Christmas!  Well, I used to.

I've become the Grinch.  A Scrooge.  Bah-freakin'-humbug!  

I keep telling myself I am a burden to everyone who's offered a helping hand, a roof, a safe haven.  I have thoroughly convinced myself that I'm going to be too much of a problem.  WHAT?!  

What the heck is wrong with me?  

So tired.

So empty.

So afraid. 

SO READY TO MOVE ON... 

just too damn exhausted to get it all done.

What happened to me?  

I have to find me.  

Soon. 

HLM